We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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