Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
