that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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