I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
