Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
