the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
