i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
