I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
