Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
