my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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