i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
