k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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