Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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