you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
