I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
