At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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