Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize