Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
