I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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