Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
