in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
