Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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