OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
