Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
