She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
