my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
