remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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