DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
