the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
