She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
