I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
