Need sex. Gaining weight.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
