he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
