Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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