Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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