she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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