I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
