Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
