I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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