I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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