Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
MIDGETS
????
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
