Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
