I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
