Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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