The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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