I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
