I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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