i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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