Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
