My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
